Tags: polyamory, perma-crush
I have little experience with polyamorous relationships. Having never been in one myself, it’s difficult for me to comprehend the complex emotions involved with having more than one physical partner. Within my relationships, I become fixated on one person for all physical needs. Other needs, such as emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and social are also extremely important and become divided between my significant other, my friends, my family, my colleagues, and acquaintances in no particular order.
I was enamored with an older guy in high school. He introduced me to a world I never knew existed. A world of dumpster diving, train hopping, veganism/freeganism, street art, living off the grid, how to live above the city rather than in the city, and secret hideaways in the midst of urban development. I idolized him. I still do.
This beautiful person, we’ll call NoJo, also introduced me to polyamory. He was dating someone else the entire time we lived in the same city, but he seemed unconcerned about his transparent physical advances and the intimate moments we shared due to what he called an “open relationship.” I was so enchanted by him, and still had the morals of a teenager, so I gave the other girl very little thought. But as I’ve grown older, and as I’ve been recently reintroduced to polyamory, I feel a need to reevaluate what my morals are in regards to complex partnerships.
What sparks this post is my perma-crush on the Meteorologist. Currently in a long-term relationship, he stated to me that he and his partner had been considering the benefits of an open, polyamorous arrangement. Though the details are not yet worked out, the Meteorologist conveyed to me that emotional, spiritual, and intellectual needs were being met, but they each were still attracted to other people and craving that further physical needs be met. This is when I realized how different our views were on relationships. Of course it’s never the same with each relationship, but I find am constantly seeking physical compatibility with partners and emotional support from friends, while the Meteorologist found primarily emotional support from his partner and still craved physical elsewhere.
There’s really no right answer here, just different ways of thinking – all of which I’m trying to embrace and encourage a level of understanding within myself. Especially if I am to engage in anything physical with the Meteorologist, I feel it’s important for me to sort out these thoughts before the situation were to arise. I have met his partner and though I would apparently have her blessing, I feel like I’d still be going behind a friend’s back to “steal her man.” Or perhaps it would be my intentions that would muddy any physical encounter. Would my inherent monogamous nature sully what’s meant to be a good time? How emotionally involved do you get with each partner in a polyamorous relationship? I’m really looking forward to reader contributions on this subject to help me understand further the (undeniably) natural and human urge to have multiple partners.
As for now, the Meteorologist and his partner still have details to work out before embarking on their journeys. In the mean time, I will continue to wade alone in this confusing world of “available” and “unavailable.” Please comment below or submit a post to allaboardtherelationship@gmail.com. I’d love to hear your opinions on the matter.
Capt.Crème
THE RELATION(SHIP) 
A word of caution about the Meteorologist and his personality (assuming he falls into the general “type”): Don’t go into it thinking you’ll change him, it never works out very well. Additionally, don’t be disillusioned by the idea that you will somehow change his intentions in regards to relationships of any kind. This man sounds confident, strong, intelligent (overall, attractive) and not about to change his ways. I know what I’m saying may sound blunt, but I can’t say it any clearer than this- If a man is willing to cheat with you, he will cheat on you. I don’t think either of you are cheating right now but think about the woman on the other side of this scenario- are you prepared to be that woman? Extreme, I know, just don’t go into it blindly.
-Lady Jane
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Lady Jane,
Thanks for your insight. The Meteorologist and I have four years of strong friendship under our belts, so luckily we also have a track record of solid communication (his and my backstory can be read here). Before even approaching anything physical, we’ve talked out what it would mean between him and I, establishing very important boundaries and a consistent understanding (ideally) of the repercussions of any physical interaction. I have met his partner and would never want to interfere in anything that would tear them apart – which is why I write this post and still question my morals regarding the issue. The only thing that has me lean in the Meteorologist’s direction is my selfish desire to want to know more about him, explore his depths after four years of us (on both sides) wondering what it would be like to be together. I don’t expect for his feelings to change regarding his partner, but that really is something I probably would have hoped for in my younger years. As for now, he approached me with this potential, future proposition and it’s left me pondering how I really feel about the whole arrangement.
Ultimately, it will be good to sit down with the Meteorologist and have another reassuring discussion about it all. I certainly don’t want to hurt anyone, nor get hurt myself. I would never put my two friends in that situation. Thanks for the candor, Lady Jane. I’m looking forward to more posts about polyamorous experiences. I’m really unsure if it’s the realm for me as more and more uncertainties arise.
– C.Creme
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My Good Captain Creme,
It sounds like you and the Meteorologist have a decent chance at a compatible poly relationship, given that you are both very intellectual, self-aware people with a long friendship. Also, since neither of you would be relying on each other as a primary source of emotional connection, that gives you a good chance at being able to maintain a healthy balance.
You ask how emotionally involved one gets with their partners in polyamorous relationships. That varies. Since the word “polyamory” literally means “many loves” it is assumed that there is some degree of love involved in most relationships and that the emotional relationship is the focus rather than the physical relationship. Most of us go all-in with our hearts. I mean over time, building trust as in any monogamous relationship. But since there is a finite amount of time, there are those who will have one or two “primary” partners who they devote the most attention and emotion to and probably live with at least one of, another “secondary” partner or two who they see on a regular basis and have deep feelings for, and other partners with whom they may have a more casual relationship. They still care about these people, but can’t expend the amount of energy for that many relationships but still want to be intimately involved. Truly, there are as many different arrangements of relationships as there are people who are poly. That may not help much, but most of us assume there is romantic love involved.
As for me, I live with my wonderful husband of 15 years. He has a girlfriend whom I considered chosen family well before they started dating. They are in love and this makes me quite happy! She’s married to a great guy, and is dating another woman who has also long been chosen family. I have two long distance partners, a couple. While I love them both, the husband and I consider each other second soul mates (our spouses being each of our first) and have a much more intense connection. His wife knows this, but it’s not an issue because she and I have our own unique relationship. Their two children think of me as family. I adore them and spoil them like a good auntie. I’m also seeing a man locally who I’m crazy about, and that’s been going extremely well. I am quite content and see this as the extent of my time management abilities, so have no intentions of adding any other partners.
My main concern from what I read about the Meteorologist is that they are looking for the physical connection and may decide that they don’t want to involve any romantic connections. (If they do that, polyamory is no longer the appropriate term, but as long as they are forthright about that intention, it’s still a perfectly ethical option.) My question to you is, could you handle a physical relationship without any possibility of romantic connection? Is that something that’s even come up in your conversations – or theirs? As for your other concerns, from what I’ve seen, the awkwardness of being with another person’s partner goes away after a bit. That’s often more a matter of our training that we should feel guilty, so it takes a little while to allow ourselves to realize that, yes, this IS okay. Everyone knows and is fine with it. Granted, poly is not for everyone, and monogamy is awesome too. However, you sound like someone who is probably self-aware enough to be able to handle the emotions and copious amounts of communication that are required by poly, should you decide to take that route.
Lastly, I want to address Lady Jane’s comment and offer some information. What Captain Creme and the Meteorologist are talking about isn’t cheating, it’s polyamory, which is a subset of a larger set of alternative lifestyles referred to as ethical non-monogamy. Part of the “ethical” concept is that the partners of everyone involved are aware of and consenting of whatever happens between these people. We do not condone cheating and do not welcome cheaters into our communities. Sadly, it’s a fairly common misconception of who we are, so I wanted to make sure that got fixed quickly. 🙂
I hope that what I’ve said has been useful and that I haven’t merely rambled.
-PITC Amy
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Wow, Amy. Your thoughts are so, so wonderful and extremely helpful in my navigation of this unfamiliar territory. Really grateful you reached out and offered such valuable and personal support.
I still have yet to think more deeply about whether or not I could engage in a relationship without a romantic connection. I am realizing after a few more recent experiences that the physical connection within a relationship means little to me without an intellectual and emotional framework. Just this past week I attempted to engage in a solely physical relationship and found myself loosing my footing after a mere five days. I still have yet to sort my thoughts on this…
I will keep your imparted wisdom in mind and hope that it helps other readers to make decisions that are best for them.
Yours, CC
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