Crew Entry, 10/13/14: Missing the Boat: …

Hi Relation(ship) ladies and gents,

I met a man three years ago, whom I dated and have kept in touch with off and on, we’ll call him Confused. In hindsight, we had the most amazing time getting to know each other. On our second date, he took me to a restaurant situated on the bank of a local river. It was a beautiful, crisp September afternoon so he suggested we go for a stroll along the water when we finished our lunches. We walked along the bike path for a while, and stopped to admire the water before heading back to the restaurant. This was the perfect moment, in my opinion, to stop and put on some lip gloss, which did not go unnoticed by Confused. He said, if memory serves me rightly, “Your lip gloss smells good. Can I taste it?” I replied with a chuckle and said, “Sure.” It was then and there that we had our first kiss.

I didn’t feel the butterflies, but, let me digress for a moment to explain the absence of butterflies and intense emotions. I had been through hell and back in my previous 6 year relationship and suffered from extreme anxiety over the past several months. I had just started taking an anti-anxiety medication called Citalopram (5mg daily) which I believe affected my life in both positive and negative ways. It made me feel stress-free, present, able to breathe again, and excitable; also, attention-deficit, sleep-decificent, and lacking any sort of long-term memory of past and future events not stored in my cell phone’s calendar. Additionally, I had no problem with going on dates and meeting new people; I’d sometimes go on more than one date a day (very innocent – lunch or coffee)- something I would’ve felt too guilty to do in a completely sober state of mind. The Citalopram had a strange affect on me when I would drink too, even small amounts, but that’s a different story and that’s why I quit taking it about a month and half later. Let me get back to the river, though. As we walked back to the restaurant after the kiss, he gently asked if he could see my hand. I hesitantly showed him, not knowing what he might put in it, but he gently took it and interlaced our fingers. I was wondering what this was all about so I asked and he replied with “I just want to see how well we fit together.” Now, if this isn’t the most romantic thing you’ve heard in a while, please tell me what is…

Leaping forward to today’s reality, I let Confused slip out of my reach, if you will. I call him Confused because he’s told me several times that he’s confused. He moved away and took part of my heart with him after we’d spent countless hours just hanging out and getting to know each other spiritually, emotionally and physically. He told me the following February that he’d been offered a job on the East Coast. I encouraged him to do what was best for himself, and follow his heart to what would make him happy. While he was haunted by never-ending memories of experiences with his ex, he also wasn’t thrilled at the job he’d been working for the past few years, so naturally, moving was appealing to him. I’ve been in school since we met so it was never an option for me to move with him, especially since he was still processing the effects of his breakup.  I noticed, for example, that he wasn’t 100% happy with me while we were spending time together. His feelings toward me have always been mostly unspoken, but the fact that he hasn’t let me go keeps me hanging on.

The idea of his absence quickly set in and I realized I had fallen deeply in love with him; right around the time that I’d cleared my head enough of the Citalopram to start thinking clearly again. I told him I loved him and he replied “I love you too.” Then after, he would always say, “You know how I feel about you,” without saying the magic words. He slipped away and moved to the East Coast within two months. He now lives with his long-term girlfriend thousands of miles away. I say long-term because they were on a year-long break when he and I met. I still have love for him and have found it nearly impossible to fully move on since we keep in touch. His girlfriend has no knowledge of me. I’m sure she’s in the dark because Confused and I recently Skyped and he told me more about her (getting him to talk about her is like pulling teeth, go figure). I reminded him that I respect his relationship and do not want to get in between him and the woman he’s living with. He told me that his attraction to her is different from his attraction to me and it sounded a lot like Capt Creme’s polyamorous story. Capt Creme, you’ve sparked a fire in my heart. I want to get to the bottom of this with Confusion. It may take some time, but I’d like to have you on board with me when I either jump ship or sail away into the sunset with Confusion.

-Lady Jane

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