10 Things You Ought Not Say on a First Date With Me (if you Want a Second Date)

1.  I am about to quit my [steady restaurant management] job because I now grow and sell marijuana, which is a lot more lucrative.  Half the duplex I rent is already planted and the harvest will be in February.

2.  I have a baby-mama AND;

3.  I met her while working as a bartender at [a super shady local bar].

4.  We got pregnant within a month.

5. We got engaged when we got pregnant.

6. We had a ton of conflict and broke up after the first kiddo was born.

7. She’s a crazy and really angry person.

8.  Though we never got married, we had a second kid in spite of the issues mentioned above.

9.  The kids are 1 and a half and three years old.  Their mom moved them 6 hours away without my permission.  Because we never got married, I have little legal recourse to see them.

10.    I am about to use all my marijuana-growing money to hire attorneys to get my kids back from their deadbeat mother.

Sorry, not sorry for not calling you for a second date, sir.  Involvement with you, even on a friendship level, would likely cause disruption to the serenity I have worked so hard to cultivate in my life as a single person.

No kisses for you,

Captain Cadmium

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