I’m sorry I disappeared. I’m sorry I haven’t written in two months. It’s just that every time I sat down to write, my words were bitter and resentful. It never turned into something I could post, nor something you would ever want to read. I suppose I’ve learned a lot in the past two months, but they certainly are lessons I could do without.
The most important thing that has been revealed involves a pattern in my choice in men. Boys, rather. In my choice in boys, because I can’t seem to recognize a man when I see one. Maybe I’ve never seen one. I am attracted (unknowingly) to guys who lack ambition, who can’t hold a job, who emotionally manipulate and use people like me who are simply trying to see the best in others. I’m not here to be someone’s mother. I don’t like being someone’s mother. If I am to ever be in a long-term relationship again, I need a supportive partner. Someone with their own life; their own interests.
“I love how awesome you are.” This is what the last guy told me, which at first seemed like a compliment, but the more I let it steep, the more I realized that the statement perfectly summed up my dating life. No one has ever loved me. No one has ever taken the time to get to know me, see me for who I really am. This is perhaps one of my faults, but I am really hard to get to know. If you never ask me a question, I will absolutely never reveal a single thing about myself (except for these writings, of course, but let’s be honest, these are all really vague).
So these people fall in love with who they think I am, whatever side I’ve revealed to them, whatever they want to see – the intellectual, the musician, the artist, the athlete, the curator. No one asks me questions anymore, but people sure love talking about themselves. So yes, you love how “awesome” I am, but you’ll never love me. I need someone who loves me, and I’m starting to realize that this is not going to happen. Not anytime soon anyway. And I don’t want it to happen anytime soon, because I need to get started on my career, adding one more thing to my “awesome” list.
I have my own list, by the way… a list of characteristics that my “ideal man” would need to check off in order to be a good candidate. But that list must be missing some serious personality traits, because I have repeatedly put myself in situations, dangerous situations, with men who lie, misrepresent themselves, and withhold serious information. I need to stop dating people who “want to go back to school” or who work a shitty job “for now” and start dating those who are on a direct track toward meeting real goals.
But who am I to judge? Sometimes it feels unfair to set these restrictions when I’m the one working a temp job completely opposite my passions. When I’m the one who’s been sitting on her ass since graduation with no job offers to boast. I’m the one in debt. I’m the one with a terrible dating record. I’m the one still being supported by her parents.
Looks like I’m not ready for the dating world either, so I’m spending the next two months focused on my career. Something needs to happen. Soon. I’m going to make a big move in April that will jumpstart that change, but for now it’s all networking and applying for positions. Let me know if you need a curator. A passionate, not-a-man-in-sight single, career-driven curator.