These past two months have been a whirlwind of sinking, scrambling, and sidelining with little swimming. I find myself newly transplanted in my hometown, back to the bittersweet midwest. Not only does it feel great to be back in a real city, but my first thoughts upon solidifying this decision were of the Ambassador (read a bit of background on our relationship here). I would have picked a much less silly name for this perma-crush had I known he would now be at the forefront of my thoughts. Continue reading
I’m sorry I disappeared. I’m sorry I haven’t written in two months. It’s just that every time I sat down to write, my words were bitter and resentful. It never turned into something I could post, nor something you would ever want to read. I suppose I’ve learned a lot in the past two months, but they certainly are lessons I could do without.
The most important thing that has been revealed involves a pattern in my choice in men. Boys, rather. In my choice in boys, because I can’t seem to recognize a man when I see one. Maybe I’ve never seen one. I am attracted (unknowingly) to guys who lack ambition, who can’t hold a job, who emotionally manipulate and use people like me who are simply trying to see the best in others. I’m not here to be someone’s mother. I don’t like being someone’s mother. If I am to ever be in a long-term relationship again, I need a supportive partner. Someone with their own life; their own interests. Continue reading
If your relationship goal is life partnership, check out these wonderful articles over at Wait, but Why! Hilariously written and illustrated with AWESOME wisdom to boot.
1. I am about to quit my [steady restaurant management] job because I now grow and sell marijuana, which is a lot more lucrative. Half the duplex I rent is already planted and the harvest will be in February.
2. I have a baby-mama AND;
3. I met her while working as a bartender at [a super shady local bar].
4. We got pregnant within a month.
5. We got engaged when we got pregnant.
6. We had a ton of conflict and broke up after the first kiddo was born.
7. She’s a crazy and really angry person.
8. Though we never got married, we had a second kid in spite of the issues mentioned above.
9. The kids are 1 and a half and three years old. Their mom moved them 6 hours away without my permission. Because we never got married, I have little legal recourse to see them.
10. I am about to use all my marijuana-growing money to hire attorneys to get my kids back from their deadbeat mother.
Sorry, not sorry for not calling you for a second date, sir. Involvement with you, even on a friendship level, would likely cause disruption to the serenity I have worked so hard to cultivate in my life as a single person.
No kisses for you,
Tags: polyamory, monogamy, perma-crush, physical encounters, emotional intimacy
Warning: This post contains entirely too much content.
I called the Buddhist a cheater, but I am also one. When you make a promise to your partner to be monogamous, you relinquish all rights to act on desires external to that relationship. You have promised to let your partner be the only one who can attempt to meet your physical (and majority of emotional) needs. You have made a promise declaring that if you slip in any humanly way, then you are no longer trustworthy or deserving of that person’s love.
I have been made to feel terrible about myself for 14 years. I have crammed my overwhelming capacity for love into a tiny monogamist box and told one person to hide it deep in the attic. Instead of allowing it to gather years of dust, however, I became even more determined to locate its hiding place.
What follows is a list of five memories I have been pondering for weeks that have given me clues to my true essence in relationships. Put together, they reveal for me answers as to why my behavior in the past has been frowned upon, scolded, and downright puzzling for some people. I thought everyone felt this way, but I am becoming more aware that perhaps the cheating Buddhist did not squelch my ability to love, but rather freed me to realize I am in love. I have always been in love and nothing can stop me. Continue reading
Something that I have struggled with for a long time is having the courage to be alone. I am afraid of being alone; so afraid that I fool myself into staying with horrible and abusive men with the hopes that my love will be enough. I think, “If I just do more and show him how much I love him, things will get better.” This poem by Ntozake Shange has stuck with me for at least a decade. It is one of the most powerful pieces of prose I think I have ever read, mostly because I see so much of myself in it… the sadness, the resolution… realizing that someone has taken the essence of you and realizing they don’t even know (or care) they have it… and the anger that eventually comes when you’ve had enough. Continue reading
In honor of the upcoming spookiness, I thought it timely to share with you a conversation I had with the rugged and wonderful Mr. PanamaJack last Sunday about how his dating life was going, and he told me this harrowing tale. Enjoy this Halloween Treat from the Vault of Dating Horrors! -Captain Cadmium