Category Archives: First Date

Captain’s Log, 3/27/04: This Stolen Night

These past two months have been a whirlwind of sinking, scrambling, and sidelining with little swimming. I find myself newly transplanted in my hometown, back to the bittersweet midwest. Not only does it feel great to be back in a real city, but my first thoughts upon solidifying this decision were of the Ambassador (read a bit of background on our relationship here). I would have picked a much less silly name for this perma-crush had I known he would now be at the forefront of my thoughts. Continue reading

10 Things You Ought Not Say on a First Date With Me (if you Want a Second Date)

1.  I am about to quit my [steady restaurant management] job because I now grow and sell marijuana, which is a lot more lucrative.  Half the duplex I rent is already planted and the harvest will be in February.

2.  I have a baby-mama AND;

3.  I met her while working as a bartender at [a super shady local bar].

4.  We got pregnant within a month.

5. We got engaged when we got pregnant.

6. We had a ton of conflict and broke up after the first kiddo was born.

7. She’s a crazy and really angry person.

8.  Though we never got married, we had a second kid in spite of the issues mentioned above.

9.  The kids are 1 and a half and three years old.  Their mom moved them 6 hours away without my permission.  Because we never got married, I have little legal recourse to see them.

10.    I am about to use all my marijuana-growing money to hire attorneys to get my kids back from their deadbeat mother.

Sorry, not sorry for not calling you for a second date, sir.  Involvement with you, even on a friendship level, would likely cause disruption to the serenity I have worked so hard to cultivate in my life as a single person.

No kisses for you,

Captain Cadmium

A Halloween Horror Story from PanamaJack

Dearest Crew,

In honor of the upcoming spookiness, I thought it timely to share with you a conversation I had with the rugged and wonderful Mr. PanamaJack last Sunday about how his dating life was going, and he told me this harrowing tale.  Enjoy this Halloween Treat from the Vault of Dating Horrors!  -Captain Cadmium

PanamaJack: While texting with the woman from Tinder [who PanamaJack was supposed to go on a first date with this weekend], she asked me what type of attorney I am.  She was having issues with her ex…there was additional drama with that.  She texted me the next day, apologizing.  This was Saturday, the day of our proposed first date.  That day she asked me to push the time back a few hours. I showed up a couple of minutes early to the cafe where we’d planned to meet.  Sent her a text 10 minutes after she was late to let her know what table I was at.  She texted me 20 minutes late saying, sorry but she wasn’t going to make it.  She was still at the gym, had lost track of time, and was having a bad day.  She apologized a few times and said she still wanted to meet up another time.
Cap’n Cad: This is sooooo awful.  In the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA.  Not that you needed me to tell you that.  This is appalling. APPALLING! [Little did I know just how bad it would get.]

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Crew Entry, 10/13/14: Missing the Boat: …

Hi Relation(ship) ladies and gents,

I met a man three years ago, whom I dated and have kept in touch with off and on, we’ll call him Confused. In hindsight, we had the most amazing time getting to know each other. On our second date, he took me to a restaurant situated on the bank of a local river. It was a beautiful, crisp September afternoon so he suggested we go for a stroll along the water when we finished our lunches. We walked along the bike path for a while, and stopped to admire the water before heading back to the restaurant. This was the perfect moment, in my opinion, to stop and put on some lip gloss, which did not go unnoticed by Confused. He said, if memory serves me rightly, “Your lip gloss smells good. Can I taste it?” I replied with a chuckle and said, “Sure.” It was then and there that we had our first kiss. Continue reading