Warning: This post contains entirely too much content.
I called the Buddhist a cheater, but I am also one. When you make a promise to your partner to be monogamous, you relinquish all rights to act on desires external to that relationship. You have promised to let your partner be the only one who can attempt to meet your physical (and majority of emotional) needs. You have made a promise declaring that if you slip in any humanly way, then you are no longer trustworthy or deserving of that person’s love.
I have been made to feel terrible about myself for 14 years. I have crammed my overwhelming capacity for love into a tiny monogamist box and told one person to hide it deep in the attic. Instead of allowing it to gather years of dust, however, I became even more determined to locate its hiding place.
What follows is a list of five memories I have been pondering for weeks that have given me clues to my true essence in relationships. Put together, they reveal for me answers as to why my behavior in the past has been frowned upon, scolded, and downright puzzling for some people. I thought everyone felt this way, but I am becoming more aware that perhaps the cheating Buddhist did not squelch my ability to love, but rather freed me to realize I am in love. I have always been in love and nothing can stop me. Continue reading →
I met a man three years ago, whom I dated and have kept in touch with off and on, we’ll call him Confused. In hindsight, we had the most amazing time getting to know each other. On our second date, he took me to a restaurant situated on the bank of a local river. It was a beautiful, crisp September afternoon so he suggested we go for a stroll along the water when we finished our lunches. We walked along the bike path for a while, and stopped to admire the water before heading back to the restaurant. This was the perfect moment, in my opinion, to stop and put on some lip gloss, which did not go unnoticed by Confused. He said, if memory serves me rightly, “Your lip gloss smells good. Can I taste it?” I replied with a chuckle and said, “Sure.” It was then and there that we had our first kiss. Continue reading →
I’ve had difficulty with relation(ships) all my life. Instead of having a vessel crewed by two and hovering over the sea of fish, I’ve only found other ships sailing in the same direction and we barter for pleasant emotions. Sometimes I’ll travel with one on a strong wind, ride with another on a smooth recurring current, or even survive a torrential storm out of the blue with one, but every ship must sail on until they find their port with the crew that will always stay by their side. I have not.
There’s much to be explored in life, much like the ocean, so I have to ask myself, “Will I ever see it all when it is always changing? When it is always developing, burying, covering and uncovering the new and the past? Is my relation(ship) open-seaworthy and able to hold a crew, or am I to stay a course conquering the drifts on my own?”… What about you?
I suppose that was rude of me to not go ahead and just post Chapter 2…
So here we are. We’ve moved in together. A series of strange things have happened that I fail to notice through my Buddhist-colored glasses. I am in love. I think he is the one. I am infatuated. I cannot think of anything else and I could not fathom him ever hurting me.
The majority of the first year was great. We had so many amazing adventures. We spent a lot of time traveling and taking photographs, updating our Flickr accounts religiously. It wasn’t until the end of that year that I started to notice him creating distance in our relationship. He spent long hours on social media, instant messenger, and email. He became closed off and angry if I entered the room while he was on his computer. What was going on? I let it slide. Happy. Carefree. 20. Continue reading →
Where do I even begin? …This is the story of the one and only relationship that destroyed me during and in the years to follow. The only relationship that taught me not to trust. Taught me to envelop myself in insecurities. Taught me to give without reciprocity. Gave me a stomachache, headache, and heartache for three years. This is the story of the only time I have ever allowed myself to love someone – I haven’t been able to give myself the same way since. Continue reading →
I have little experience with polyamorous relationships. Having never been in one myself, it’s difficult for me to comprehend the complex emotions involved with having more than one physical partner. Within my relationships, I become fixated on one person for all physical needs. Other needs, such as emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and social are also extremely important and become divided between my significant other, my friends, my family, my colleagues, and acquaintances in no particular order. Continue reading →
Tags: taking it slow, dating, boundaries, emotional intimacy
I’ve been given the relationship advice lately to “take it slow” and I’m realizing I don’t actually know what that means. Embarrassingly, I had to search online for tips. Yeah, I’m the one that falls into a relationship directly after the previous (serial dater). New people and new bodies are just so exciting, I can’t help but fall into the web of infatuation. Noticing this pattern, my older mentors worry about my tendency to jump into things much too fast. Continue reading →