I’m sorry I disappeared. I’m sorry I haven’t written in two months. It’s just that every time I sat down to write, my words were bitter and resentful. It never turned into something I could post, nor something you would ever want to read. I suppose I’ve learned a lot in the past two months, but they certainly are lessons I could do without.
The most important thing that has been revealed involves a pattern in my choice in men. Boys, rather. In my choice in boys, because I can’t seem to recognize a man when I see one. Maybe I’ve never seen one. I am attracted (unknowingly) to guys who lack ambition, who can’t hold a job, who emotionally manipulate and use people like me who are simply trying to see the best in others. I’m not here to be someone’s mother. I don’t like being someone’s mother. If I am to ever be in a long-term relationship again, I need a supportive partner. Someone with their own life; their own interests. Continue reading →
Warning: This post contains entirely too much content.
I called the Buddhist a cheater, but I am also one. When you make a promise to your partner to be monogamous, you relinquish all rights to act on desires external to that relationship. You have promised to let your partner be the only one who can attempt to meet your physical (and majority of emotional) needs. You have made a promise declaring that if you slip in any humanly way, then you are no longer trustworthy or deserving of that person’s love.
I have been made to feel terrible about myself for 14 years. I have crammed my overwhelming capacity for love into a tiny monogamist box and told one person to hide it deep in the attic. Instead of allowing it to gather years of dust, however, I became even more determined to locate its hiding place.
What follows is a list of five memories I have been pondering for weeks that have given me clues to my true essence in relationships. Put together, they reveal for me answers as to why my behavior in the past has been frowned upon, scolded, and downright puzzling for some people. I thought everyone felt this way, but I am becoming more aware that perhaps the cheating Buddhist did not squelch my ability to love, but rather freed me to realize I am in love. I have always been in love and nothing can stop me. Continue reading →
I’ve had difficulty with relation(ships) all my life. Instead of having a vessel crewed by two and hovering over the sea of fish, I’ve only found other ships sailing in the same direction and we barter for pleasant emotions. Sometimes I’ll travel with one on a strong wind, ride with another on a smooth recurring current, or even survive a torrential storm out of the blue with one, but every ship must sail on until they find their port with the crew that will always stay by their side. I have not.
There’s much to be explored in life, much like the ocean, so I have to ask myself, “Will I ever see it all when it is always changing? When it is always developing, burying, covering and uncovering the new and the past? Is my relation(ship) open-seaworthy and able to hold a crew, or am I to stay a course conquering the drifts on my own?”… What about you?