Tag Archives: red flags

Captain’s Log, 1/18/15: “I Love How Awesome You Are”

I’m sorry I disappeared. I’m sorry I haven’t written in two months. It’s just that every time I sat down to write, my words were bitter and resentful. It never turned into something I could post, nor something you would ever want to read. I suppose I’ve learned a lot in the past two months, but they certainly are lessons I could do without.

The most important thing that has been revealed involves a pattern in my choice in men. Boys, rather. In my choice in boys, because I can’t seem to recognize a man when I see one. Maybe I’ve never seen one. I am attracted (unknowingly) to guys who lack ambition, who can’t hold a job, who emotionally manipulate and use people like me who are simply trying to see the best in others. I’m not here to be someone’s mother. I don’t like being someone’s mother. If I am to ever be in a long-term relationship again, I need a supportive partner. Someone with their own life; their own interests.  Continue reading

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10 Things You Ought Not Say on a First Date With Me (if you Want a Second Date)

1.  I am about to quit my [steady restaurant management] job because I now grow and sell marijuana, which is a lot more lucrative.  Half the duplex I rent is already planted and the harvest will be in February.

2.  I have a baby-mama AND;

3.  I met her while working as a bartender at [a super shady local bar].

4.  We got pregnant within a month.

5. We got engaged when we got pregnant.

6. We had a ton of conflict and broke up after the first kiddo was born.

7. She’s a crazy and really angry person.

8.  Though we never got married, we had a second kid in spite of the issues mentioned above.

9.  The kids are 1 and a half and three years old.  Their mom moved them 6 hours away without my permission.  Because we never got married, I have little legal recourse to see them.

10.    I am about to use all my marijuana-growing money to hire attorneys to get my kids back from their deadbeat mother.

Sorry, not sorry for not calling you for a second date, sir.  Involvement with you, even on a friendship level, would likely cause disruption to the serenity I have worked so hard to cultivate in my life as a single person.

No kisses for you,

Captain Cadmium

Crew Entry, 10/17/14: My Stuff

Something that I have struggled with for a long time is having the courage to be alone. I am afraid of being alone; so afraid that I fool myself into staying with horrible and abusive men with the hopes that my love will be enough. I think, “If I just do more and show him how much I love him, things will get better.” This poem by Ntozake Shange has stuck with me for at least a decade. It is one of the most powerful pieces of prose I think I have ever read, mostly because I see so much of myself in it… the sadness, the resolution… realizing that someone has taken the essence of you and realizing they don’t even know (or care) they have it… and the anger that eventually comes when you’ve had enough. Continue reading

Captain’s Log, 8/1/06: The Cheat: Chapter 2

Tags: emotional affair, long-term relationship, monogamy

I suppose that was rude of me to not go ahead and just post Chapter 2…

So here we are. We’ve moved in together. A series of strange things have happened that I fail to notice through my Buddhist-colored glasses. I am in love. I think he is the one. I am infatuated. I cannot think of anything else and I could not fathom him ever hurting me.

The majority of the first year was great. We had so many amazing adventures. We spent a lot of time traveling and taking photographs, updating our Flickr accounts religiously. It wasn’t until the end of that year that I started to notice him creating distance in our relationship. He spent long hours on social media, instant messenger, and email. He became closed off and angry if I entered the room while he was on his computer. What was going on? I let it slide. Happy. Carefree. 20.  Continue reading

Captain’s Log, 1/1/06: The Cheat: Chapter 1

Tags: emotional affair, long-term relationship, monogamy

Where do I even begin? …This is the story of the one and only relationship that destroyed me during and in the years to follow. The only relationship that taught me not to trust. Taught me to envelop myself in insecurities. Taught me to give without reciprocity. Gave me a stomachache, headache, and heartache for three years. This is the story of the only time I have ever allowed myself to love someone – I haven’t been able to give myself the same way since.  Continue reading

Captain’s Log, 9/19/14: Just Don’t

I posted an ad on Craigslist for a fishing buddy in the hopes that I’d meet a nice man who would enjoy the outdoors with me, help me improve my flycasting and teach me some fishing hot spots in the area.  I did meet someone- We’ll call him Just Don’t. We met up after exchanging several emails and a couple of pictures (nothing racy- that’s not how I roll).  His pictures were nothing to crow about, but the guy wasn’t hideous or anything, and he used pretty solid grammar, spelling and mechanics in his emails, so I figured, why not meet up and see what kind of chemistry was or wasn’t there.  Continue reading